Trader Joes
by fuzzybluelogic
Summary: Shane really hates that billboard


Organic kidney beans..._organic_ kidney beans...

Shane hunched over, Jenny's list gripped between her teeth, her neck craned as she squinted into the distressingly organic kidney bean-less shelf. Sigh. No organic kidney beans. Organic red beans? Maybe that would be just as goo-- wait! There was a can waaaaaaaaay in the back, she could almost reach it--

"Omigawd!"

The shelf above her rocked from the impact of her head slamming against it. Cans of organic beans, none of them kidney, clattered to the tile and rolled around Shane's converse. No. Oh no.

_Please, please don't say..._

"You're looking very SHANE today!"

Slowly, ever so slowly, and trying to get all the cringing and wincing over with before she managed to extract herself from the safe dusty depths of the grocery store shelf, Shane straighted and turned around. A girl armed with a shopping cart and a disturbingly predatory grin bounced in place, clutching a pink cellphone to her chest with one hand, and excitedly pointed with the other.

"Uh. Hi." Shane took a tiny step back, her heel thunking into a can of chick peas and sending it spiraling down the aisle.

"You're Shane!" The girl squealed, her porcelain veneers gleaming in the store's fluorescent lighting, "Oh my god, I LOVE you."

Maybe she could dive to the right, and Shatner roll her way to freedom in a daring escape, and if she headed through the fabric softener aisle, maybe the girl would lose her scent. But instead of fleeing with an impressive flail of knees and elbows, Shane smiled, a little weakly, and crammed her hands into the pockets of her hoodie. "Yeah, and uh...thanks."

"What are you doing here?"

"Buying...beans." Shane turned in a helpless little circle, staring at the cans littered around her beat-up converse. "Oh. Shit." She knelt and started gathering up the cans. Not cool to leave them, since she was the one who knocked them all over the fucking place.

"I'm not gay," Oh god, why? Why had she agreed to shop for Jenny's party? Without a wig and hat? "But I think it's so awesome that you are!"

Next time, a ninja. She'd leave the house dressed as a ninja.

It wouldn't even look that weird in West Hollywood.

"That's cool. Yeah." She made herself smile up at the girl, who was looking more and more like a Old Navy clad fox eying a particularly tasty chicken. "Hey!" The girl had flipped open her phone and was aiming it at Shane, "Don't. Seriously..."

"Oh come on, I gotta post this on Oh No They Didn't!"

She was going to burn that billboard.

"Oh no they..._what_?" Shane dumped her armful of cans onto the shelf and started backing down the aisle. Shit. _Shit_. Why did that sound familiar?

Alice. Alice had shown her some celebrity message board or something on Livejournal, she said it was huge, bigger than Our Chart. Shane hadn't really done more than shrug and nod, not really interested but not wanting to kill Alice's happy over it. Alice had seemed satisfied with Shane's non-committal 'Cool' and moved on.

"C'mon, Shane, smile!" There came the camera phone again.

"Please..." Shane said pleadingly, her brow knitting as she continued her backward retreat down the aisle. Dammit. And Jenny still wasn't getting her beans. She grabbed a box of Cocoa Puffs of the endcap and held it up, shielding her face from the girl's camera, "Sorry..."

With that, she ran.

Dropping the cereal into some guy's cart, she ducked into the next aisle and crouched behind a skid of dog food, biting her lip as she listened, she could barely make out the girl jabbering into her phone, retelling the Story of Shane. Good. If she was staying there, then she wouldn't notice Shane quietly making her way out of the grocery store.

It got quiet.

Better check.

Kneeling, Shane peeked beneath the shelf trying to make out the girl's shoes.

"Are you ok, dude?"

"Yeah, I dropped my..."

Wait. WAIT.

HA!

Shane withdrew her arm from beneath the shelf and triumphantly held aloft a only slightly dented can. A can of organic kidney beans.

"...my beans."

The stock guy shrugged, "'Kay."

Shane nodded happily, clutching her hard-won can, "Yeah." She said smiling, dusting off the knees of her jeans.

The squeak of a shopping cart heralded a familiar voice still chatting excitedly away.

"Crap."

She turned and ran down the aisle. And didn't stop until her feet hit her skateboard.

It wasn't until she'd walked through her front door and slammed the can on the counter in front of Jenny that she registered the lack of, well, the _register_.

Whoops.

"Where's the rest of the stuff?" Jenny picked up the can, "Shane?"

Sigh.

"Going."

Yup, burning. Billboard. To the fucking ground.


End file.
